The first time.

We started "trying" in November 2012 and conceived right away.

When we first saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, I looked at him, both bewildered and excited, and said, "What are we going to do?"  We hugged and shed tears.

It was already past midnight, but we drove to the local CVS and bought 4 more tests, just to be sure.

I scheduled my first ultrasound appt, and in the meantime, we thought up baby names, and dreamed what he or he would look like. We downloaded a pregnancy app on our phones. Your baby is starting to form ears, the app alerted us. Every night I would fall asleep with him wrapped around me, his hand on my belly. We were utterly and instantly in love... but oh, what a terribly naive love affair we were in.
--

I was 8 weeks when we first went in for the ultrasound.

We held hands as the NP inserted the probe. She was fishing around, moving the probe from left to right. It seemed like forever. She had a perplexed look on her face, and my heart started racing.

Without saying a word, she took out the probe and gave me a towel to clean myself up. Then she turned to me and said, "Are you sure about your dates?"

I was sure. More than sure.

"Well, I see an embryo that's measuring 2 weeks behind and unfortunately, there is no heartbeat."

She gave me an informational packet on miscarriage, It's Not Your Fault, and told us to schedule a follow up appointment.

And there I was left in the exam room-- naked from waist down, staring at the heartbeat-less ultrasound left on the screen-- tears streaming down my face. Within seconds, all my hope and dreams had been crushed.

It sickened me to think that the baby we were so in love with, that we had been singing to, that already had 10 possible names, had been dead inside me for more than 2 weeks. And we had no idea.

My body kept thinking I was pregnant, and maintained the pregnancy for another week. I took a medication called cytotec to induce an abortion. Within hours, my uterus start convulsing-- releasing the nutrient filled lining that had been sustaining our baby.

The pain was so sudden and intense. I was soaking through my pads and just stayed in the bathroom all night. Then finally, I felt an excruciating pain and a need to push, and ended up passing a large softball sized clot. Within that clot, there was an eerily bright white round form that was almost seemed like it was shining- and that was our baby. I slumped over on the toilet, feeling pathetic, face and hair soaked with tears, and wailed loudly as I grieved our loss. He crouched down next to me and just held me for a bit. Then we flushed the toilet together, and that was how we said goodbye to number one.